I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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