at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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