after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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