Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
