Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
