you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
