too bad you live with your parents still
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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