He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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