So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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