I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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