Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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