Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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