Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
