Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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