My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
