he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize