Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
