i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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