Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize