That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
