There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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