We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
