Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
