Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
