my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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