I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
