Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
