White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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