my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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