Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
