Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
