May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We talked him into tasing himself.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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