I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize