so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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