the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
