i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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