So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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