sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
