my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
