she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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