i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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