Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
