so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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