Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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