my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
