peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
