if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
