I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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