I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
