I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
