I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
