WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
This is my gift to your gina
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
