My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
