Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Let's paint friendship bongs
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
