Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Enjoy the penises
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
