Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
