at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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