If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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